Secrets & Shame

I don't know if anyone else has the same thing I do about weight loss?  I find I can't tell people I'm on a diet, I totally freeze up in a way that a Victorian might if you tried to discuss sex!  If I try to broach it the words just get stuck in my mouth!  I have been reading through Dr D's book and I think he captured it for me:

People do not become overweight by accident.  The pounds you have gained that you now want to get rid of are a part of you that you deny, but a part that is a reflection of your nature, of your psychology and, therefore, of your identity

KEEP READING FOR FATTY CONFESSIONS...

I am the Gretchen Weiners of the fat world 

I am a massive keeper of my own shame; so many greedy secrets of disgusting gluttony.  I know that sounds a bit brutal and was going to save it for later in the day when I knew you all better but I thought it was probably healthier to get it out now.  I am really secretive about food!  About BAD food.  Ever since I was little I liked making myself naughty things, like cornflakes cooked in butter and honey (amazing by the way) and although I go through phases of doing it, it's a habit that's never really left me even (and this makes me cringe SO much) to the extent, a few years ago I joined an mail order chocolate club (special starters price, could opt out after the first package) and just ate the box to myself, kept it hidden in a drawer, didn't tell the b/f and just ate it. And then cancelled my membership.  That's only an indication of things I did  and still do today, I am a terrible sneak about slipping off and stuffing my face.  That's why the above quote from Dr D got to me - because I know it - I am fat because I am weak willed and greedy and I want more than anything to get over that. 

One of the things I'm really hoping to get out of the Dukan Diet is re-educating my palate.  During my preparation phase I've been reading lots of recipes and then it dawned on me that the thing I was reading again and again is the protein pudding options - how much can I have? what can I have?  And I just wish that I was more interested in learning to enjoy cooking creatively and healthily within the rules.  I am a really good cook and I so want to re-awken this in me.


I need for the dukan to not be one of the cyclical things I do every now and then to punish myself for being a fatty.  About 2 years ago I joined Weight Watchers because I was so down about the way I looked and how (if you read About Me on the tab above) my weight affects all areas of my life; my health, my relationship, my sense of self-worth, as well as my career and social life as I've slowly become more and more reclusive and self-conscious.  I didn't tell ANYONE that I was doing Weight Watchers, bearing in mind I have been in a committed and loving relationship for 6 years, I now think this is a bit odd.  However, Weight Watchers made me count calories - I felt hungry and sad and I thought "Good.  I deserve this."  That said, I did loose weight, but I didn't stick, there's only so long I can punish myself! (about 3/4 of stones worth of punishment incase you're wondering!)

Being very organised - see, sticky notes suck out of book!   

I've got an online shopping cart at Waitrose piling up whilst I plan for attack and the start of cruise and you'll see below I've taken out my highlighter and my sticky notes and I'm reading and planning!


I hope you'll be proud of me; I told my boyfriend what I was doing and he's been really sweet and supportive so far.  Still can't face telling anyone else.  I think I must be afraid of being judged; mental I know - if I know I'm fat, surely THEY must know I'm fat too.  Ok, so I'll experiment with telling people soon, I promise, but thank you for letting me tell you all - you have no idea how cathartic this all is!


Love Fatty. Xx